Sunday, May 1, 2016

Mother’s Day vouchers for ‘mummy makeovers’ are madness writes Wendy Tuohy

EACH to her own when it comes to cosmetic surgery, but one way not to sell more of it (or any of it to me) is by marketing to the insecurities of us mothers by trying to sell us “mummy makeovers”.

In fact I’d put money that any mother propped on her pillows on Sunday week who receives a Mother’s Day card with a voucher for a “mummy makeover” inside, will be one grumpy mummy.

By “mummy makeover” we’re not talking swapping up your hair and makeup or going for a bit of pampering, we’re talking literal cosmetic chop and change — to that tired-looking “post-baby” face, boobs, “tummy” or even your, um, parts.

We’re talking switching back the dial to as close to eye-bag free Kardashian level, Kate Moss jeans-fitting, Elle-trim wetsuit hips, selfie-MILF perfection.

Every woman has the right to whatever she wants to do with or to her own body and not be judged, go your hardest.

But those of us who plan to age disgracefully (ie. naturally) do not want the gods of Facebook’s advertising algorithms suggesting we pay someone to suck out, lift up, plump, tighten or “sculpt” away all physical traces left by motherhood.

Hands off Dr Nip ‘n’ Tuck — the bits you can see and the bits you can’t.

I want to look as good as I can, for sure.

We’re not all supposed to be Kim Kardashian. Picture: Rick Diamond/Getty

Or ex-supermodel Elle Macpherson at 52. Source: Facebook

Yes Kate, you’re looking great. Picture: David M. Benett/Getty

But all of those signs my body built and carried three babies, bore them, fed them, lugged ‘em around on a hip and is still running ragged to raise them well (going with too little sleep, too little exercise and sometimes maybe a bit too much comfort-mashed potato) is not something I want erased, “made over” or cosmetically wiped out.

One of the more depressing news items I’ve read in the last few years is the fact so many women think they not only need to have their breasts “repaired” after feeding, but also feel the very parts that pushed the baby out are no longer pretty enough and need surgical “correction”.

Now, “mummies” also think they need to achieve the dreaded Barbie look (all over).

Last year the internet fell head over heels for the cuteness so-called “Dad bod” — “a physique that looks like a formerly fit athlete has gone a bit to seed and grown a nice layer of protective fat around his muscular girth.

A body that says “I go to the gym occasionally, but I also drink heavily on the weekends and enjoy eating eight slices of pizza at a time,” according to Time magazine.

Yet it offers mummies constant reminders — via personally directed ads — that babies and lack of personal time, sleep and a personal chef notwithstanding, we should still be as sleek and slinky as ferrets.

Please note, would-be cosmetic surgery standard setters, even Elastogirl from The Incredibles — a mother of three who could still pull off plenty of super human super hero stuff — had curves (bless you compassionate cartoonists).

Like I said, do what you like if it makes you feel good, there’s no shame in going under the knife.

But do it on your terms and not because any one, or any thing, or any Hollywood super babe/mum with a live-in pilates instructor makes you think the signs of motherhood are, per se, “unattractive”.

Some of us just tolerate the tracks of “mummy” time on our faces and bodies and souls.

Some of us don’t mind them, and some even like them, because they’re tangible reminders of just what awesome things our bodies have pulled off.

Those of us in the last group are not in the market to be marketed “solutions” for our mum bods, or get them hollowed out, filled in, tightened or perked up.

If you really want to make us happy please send cheese* (*and wine) this Mother’s Day.

Wendy Tuohy

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